when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
