I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
