i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
