i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
