Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
