So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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