My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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