so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
