It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
