Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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