sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
