If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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