Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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