This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
