So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
