i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Randomize