I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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