I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
