Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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