The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
