New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
