You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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