btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
