You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
