Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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