Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she woke up with a sticky ear
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
