and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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