Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
