Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
