Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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