he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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