Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
