My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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