Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
