I got chris browned last night
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
