What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
