Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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