found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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