Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize