On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
