pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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