I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
