If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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