every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
