I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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