OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
