I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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