Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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