In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
