Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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