do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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