i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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