Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize